let talk about joke here

[cateye999 0]

Finding ReligionA drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am." The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, reverend." The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[cateye999 0]

Oldie But Goodie: Duk and FrogA pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out. Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before. About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening. She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

[cateye999 0]

Good Joke: MagicAfter tucking their nine-year-old child Jordan in bed one night, Al and Elaine, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. Al, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Jordan's ear. Jordan was delighted. In a flash, Jordan snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

[cateye999 0]

Ten Years Bad LuckA funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

[cateye999 0]

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 18 inches long!"

[cateye999 0]

Newsboy A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

[cateye999 0]

Saddam & Bagdad Saddam's son goes shopping and comes back with it all in a box. Saddam says "Why is the shopping in a box?" His son says "Because there is no Bag-dad."

[cateye999 0]

Wisdom Via Kids"We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past." ========== Wisdom Via Kids: *"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." - Andrew, Age 9 *"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9 *"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." - Stephanie, age 8 *"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." - Lamar, age 10 *"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." - Carrol, age 9 *"Never bug a pregnant mom." - Nicholas, age 11 *"Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10 *"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." - Heather, age 16 *"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14 *"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." - Joel, age 12 *"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." - Alyesha, age 13 *"Never try to baptize a cat." - Laura, age 13 *"Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11 *"Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10 *"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." - Rob, age 10 *"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." - Hank, age 12 *"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." - Molly, age 11 *"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." - Chelsey, age 7 *"Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9 *"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." - Phillip, age 13 *"Forget the cake, go for the icing." - Cynthia, age 8 *"Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house." - Joanne, age 11 *"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." - Matthew, age 12

[cateye999 0]

honeymoon You may have heard about this new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

[cateye999 0]

Three paramedicsThree paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent." The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent." Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

[cateye999 0]

Mental HospitalA doctor goes to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he sees a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash. The doctor asks the man: "What are you doing, walking the dog?" The man replies: "Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash." The doctor leaves the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions... And the man says to his toothbrush: "Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!"

[cateye999 0]

GREAT JOKE - US TouristsAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, "She's not from the States." "'Yes, I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?" "Yes," she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered, "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, " She's not for sale." After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home."

[cateye999 0]

Blonde Joke - interviewA Blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell me your age, please?" The Blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh ... 22!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two." This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name, please?" The Blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, Miss. I can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Oh that!", replies the Blonde, "That's just me running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you ...

[cateye999 0]

Wife There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

[andyy15 0]

Here is a good joke: Engineers and A Glass of Water To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.