I can never promise that I will be as beautiful as a super model, as rich as a millionaire, as successful as The First Lady, or as perfect as all those famous people seem to be. I can't promise that I won't have faults, that there won't be times where we'll have troubles, or that things will always be easy because life never is. I can't promise that I'll be easy to live with, or that from time to time I won't fall to pieces. I can't promise that we won't have our arguments, or that we will always agree. I can't promise that we'll make it, because I can't see the future...
But I can most certainly promise that I'll fight for it with all I have in me. I can promise that I'll love you, for who you are, with all that I am, with all I have. That I'll stand by you, believe in you, and be for you all that you need me to be. I can promise I'll never cheat on you, I'll never intentionally hurt you, I'll never deceive you. I can promise I'm not like all the others who've hurt you, that I'll always be strong for you -for us, that I'll be there to catch you when you fall. And if I don't make it in time to catch you, I'll help pick you up and put back the pieces. I can promise that no matter how difficult it gets, I'll see it through. I can promise that there are very few things you could ever do that could make me want to leave you. I can promise that with all that and more, I'll never fail you. I'll never fail us.
If you'll have me, I am yours. With all the things I can't promise and all the things I can. Life is never easy, love is even harder. But when there's someone there to walk beside you, you'll never lose that light at the end of the tunnel. We all have a right to be happy, with our lives and the ones we're with. If ever you are not happy with me, I won't ask you to stay. I want your happiness above all else. Even if that means you're not with me.
Now... if only I could share those words... if only... the saddest phrase I have ever heard or read.
There is an emptiness you feel when you know you want something, when you know you need it, when you know you feel it and can't change that fact... but also know that there's nothing you can do about it. I've loved with every ounce of strength my heart could muster only to be hurt to the point of pure weakness. I've found myself lost in a place I see no way out of, caught between two men who hold more of me than I ever thought possible. One I vowed to spend my life with, and he nearly destroyed my ability to love, to forgive, to even want to feel beyond the anger and hurt. He's promised to change, he begged me not to leave. So I'm still here. And that hurts more than I can say. I can't trust him not to hurt me again, so I should go. But I don't want to hurt him, so I stay.
My only saving grace is the other, the man who seems to embody all the things the first should have been from the beginning. I'm happy when he's here. Happy when I'm around him. He made me remember how to smile beyond the fake smiles. Made me believe beyond the pain and anger. He understands me where the other never tried. He accepts me for who I am, with my faults, the things I say and do, the way I tend to be. He was there for me when he didn't have to be, a covert hero when I could have sworn I didn't need one, though of course I was wrong. He's my best friend. My confidant. Everything I want but can't have. And that hurts more than anything else. Because I want so badly to be happy. And lately, besides my beautiful children, he is the only one that makes me happy.
But do I walk away from someone and something I've invested over six years of my life into, given everything I had to, but have nothing left to give to? Do I try to be with a man I know has some feelings for me but may not want to be with me like I do him? Do I trade unhappiness for just unrequited love, and spend my days longing and alone? Do I stay in a situation where I am incapable of being happy and trudge on because it's all I've got? I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I can't see which path to take. Inside I'm dying, so many moments of emptiness filling me up before I can cope, though I find myself accepting them because I can't stop them. There is no easy answer, and no way to know what I should or shouldn't do. And I'm trapped in this constant tug of war, wondering when it will end for me, if it will end for me. And if it doesn't end, will I just be a ghost when all is said and done? Wandering the cemetery of heartache, doomed to never know anything else... But for now I'm still breathing. My shattered and tormented heart is somehow still beating. So I'll keep going on blindly, wishing I could just forget, wishing I could just move on, wishing I could just let go. Wishing I could just be happy, and not for anyone else but me.
