Sonophax

Well...nothing can change the fact that you love her. I doubt that anything has that capability. Time can perhaps change that love into something easier to deal with, easier to commit to memory, rather than letting it burn in your heart.And in the same way, so can you.You love her, right? With everything that you are? You want her to be happy...no matter what...right?Sometimes...and I don't mean to sound cruel or cliched...but the best way to love someone, sometimes, is to let them go. Because you understand that your relationship might not have been destined to make the one you love happy. And... yes, that hurts to think about...to think that maybe it wasn't the best thing...but if you truly love her, then all you want is for her to be happy.It makes the jealousy easier, for me, because I've dealt with it a lot... I have to keep reminding myself that true love means I want them to be truly happy, even if it means that I'm not in that picture.And yeah...it hurts.As for it being your fault...hon, you cannot change the past. You can't go back and you can't undo whatever mistakes happened, because no human has that power. No matter how many times you apologize, no matter how much you wish you could change it, nothing except for time will ever be able to make it truly O.K.But what you can do--what will help--is resolve to make sure to find what inside of you caused you to slip up...find the things that made you afraid, that made you jealous, or weak, or caused you to act foolishly. Find those things or those circumstances and think about them. Once you can find the source of something, you can change it, if you feel that you need to. You might not be able to change the past, but you -can- change how your future turns out.And as for moving on...well... I can't offer you too much advice there. But what I can say, is this:Eat. Even if every bite tastes like ash, even if it hurts to swallow, or makes you gag...make yourself eat three meals a day, even if you don't feel that you have any hunger.Sleep. I know that with insomnia and grief and pain and jealousy crushing you all at once, it can be hard...but even if you have to do things to exhaust yourself, it is essential that you sleep. Because...in some strange way, when you actually -do- sleep and sleep well, something within you is refreshed. I'm not saying that it'll all be okay in the morning, because it might not...but every day that you pull through is another day that your heart has begun to mend. It's one step closer to the morning when you wake up and you find out "Wow...maybe it -is- going to be okay, after all..."And...talking to people will help. Writing about it, like you've been doing, is an excellent cathartic measure...it helps you figure things out, clear your mind, even if only a tiny amount.I'm here, if you need to talk.