SpartanShopGod

Hey all. Today was an odd day yes it was. I woke up on time for school, next thing I know I am in my bed and it is 7:30, successfully missing first and second period. I rush to get out, my F train is super delayed due to crime. On the way I started to get really depressed, not so much depressed as anxious. I fear now for my grades. After learning that I have been SEVERELY undermedicated since my last psych visit, how long has it been? Very long. That could very well explain why I am doing so amazingly poor in school now. I wrote a letter to the vice principal, my guidance counseler is an idiot, so going to her for help would accomplish nothing. I asked in the note for some help. It is too late for me to try and fix things myself, I am in too deep, and for a while I wanted to ask for nothing because I didn't want a handout. I see now that with my grades my life will go nowhere, well my college life at least. I want to take junior year again, I don't care that I won't graduate with my friends or that I'll be a super senior, or a super junior. But I don't think I will get my wish, I don't think they do that. But I asked. I have ****ed up so bad. It hurts when I think of how I let this happen to me. Currently my dosages of ritalin have been super-upped. I pop pills so often in a day I think I am a junkie. Now all those fun normal side effects, paranoia, chest and stomach pain, muscle twitches, depression, and insomnia, have been multiplied 3x. But, I can put my mental and social well being aside for a bit, I truly need to improve. Now, all those side effects aside, oh wait, I forgot a few more, anorexia, nutrient depletion are also some, now aside from them all I can actually concentrate in class which is good. I get very odd mood swings now, I can be excited and very very focused, especially on subways. Oh I can take junior year again, oh if I write all these notes I will understand physics, That would be a great painting, I should write that, I am going to work out even harder. Then I get to school and those feelings and ideas fade completely and I just want to survive the day. Throw in some downward spiraling moments when I fear for my education and future and get close to tears/nervous breakdown. But I am able to cope. Right now, all I want, is a chance, the same chance that any student without a learning disabillity has in school. I feel cheated that for who knows how long it has been my ADHD, not my laziness. After medding myself yesterday I actually found some great fun in doing math homework. And today I actually got a good grade on a physics test. I read the english book we were assigned. I completed the program we had been working on for maybe three days in class (I had been absent from class a bunch due to Damon's unfortunate passing). I am feeling very hopeful, but that is probably a mood swing. I feel bad for my girlfriend, that she puts up with this so stoically and patiently. I do not feel like myself when on meds, I feel very antisocial, and I dont talk much, when I realize that I had not spoken in three periods I try and it strains my vocal chords and hurts for the rest of the day. I want to requit smoking before I get readdicted, I probably already am addicted. I keep procrastinating on forging some absence notes for spanish class, I have to soon, I missed five days of it. The increase in the concerta (time released ritalin) has caused my insomnia to get worse. I am very tired and drowsy and random parts of the day, but at night I cannot sleep, at all, no matter how I try. The medication also kills my appetite completely. So I wonder how I am able to go through the day with basically no food in my body. I need calories to function right....am I slowly wasting away without knowing it? Ah wait, of course, all the midnight binging I do. Of course. For as long as I can remember I've been on ritalin, and for as long as I can remember when it wears off I eat compulsively. I solved that problem for a while with multivitamens, I will start that again soon. And taking whey protein again, when I eat maybe one meal a day chances that I am getting proper amounts of protein are slim. Now, I take a dose when I get home from school, it lasts four hours, and my appetite is gone for a bit after that, so I end up eating around 10. Usually junk food, because by that time nobody really wants to cook for themselves. Then as the insomnia keeps me awake my compulsive eating and hyperactivity take over and I start eating, not so much anymore. I spoke with my mother. On friday we are going to see the vice principal. I have decided that if it is possible I will opt to repeat junior year. Wish me luck with that one all. I noticed that this post isn't all that pretty yet. My writing is just me giving information, but usually when I post I do it in ways that share more of my emotion and creativity. Maybe its the meds right now, not sure. I think I am making the right decision, I tried to think WWDD, what would Damon do? He would fight to make things work. So I will too, I will do whatever it takes to get a chance to actually make it into college, even if it means taking an entire school year over again. This was posted at one of my other posts, a reply to my posts on the death of my friend Damon. I like it, I think it applies to my wants and needs right now.LET ME NOT LOSE ITLet me gain wisdom--And I don't want to lose itLet me stand strong, tall and wiseLet me not be a broken arrow,A broken sword, a broken dagger,Let me not wallow in despairLet me not lose it.The strongest part of my heartThe strongest part of my willLet me not be a weakened soul,Left to whimper--To shed deep tears down yonder streamLet me not fall, and lay down and weepLet me gain wisdom Let me not lose it.Let me over come obstaclesLet me rise up to see the dawn of a new dayLet me not sleep, let me shine among the greatAnd let me be wise alwaysLet me not lose it.

I like that a lot. I am gonna save that one. Thanks. I hope to be able to follow those points in my life. Thanks for the reply.

This is the next email, wrote this the day I got back from the funeral. It was very depressing, but also...it made me feel a bit better. I helped bury him that day, it was the least I could do. He was a beautiful friend. I helped bury my friend Damon today. It seems to be that it is Jewish tradition to ask friends and families to help in the burial of the deceased. I knew before I went today, that if given the chance I would help bury him, not knowing of this tradition. To me, it was the very least I could do for him. He had given me so much in life, so in return, I would help him in his final slumber. I would help bury him. There were a few others before me who went up, I took the shovel from max or zach, I dont remember now. I planted the blade into the soil, lifted it up, and let it spill onto the coffin between the vessel that once carried the sould of my beautiful friend Damon and myself. I passed the shovel on, and moved to were Zach and Max stood, I cried on their shoulders. I cried a lot today, I cried two kinds of tears at the same time. From one eye I cried tears of joy, from my other I cried tears of sorrow. I was joyous that I was able to aid Damon in his rest. Joy that now Damon would never have to go through another surgery, a surgery that the doctors would tell his parents and him that he would probably not make it through. Joy that Damon would never ever have to live another day in pain on this cruel harsh land. I cried tears of sorrow, I was aiding in building a barrier between Damon and myself, that in the end, after the soild has filled his grave I would never be able to see Damon again. It was hard, it was hard to build that last barrier, in fact, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, but I did it, I had to. WWDD, What Would Damon Do? I knew that if it were the other way around Damon would have done the same for me, because that was the kind of person he was. We sang The Worlds Greatest Hero, by R Kelly, I cried my heart out, I related the lyrics to Damon in every way. I am not one to post lyrics up on my xanga, so I will do it last. But Damon, You truly were the Worlds Greatest, I will miss you greatly. Damon had asked his brother Sam to find the lyrics to this song, this was asked most recently before Damon's passing. Also, we sang Hes Got The Whole World In His Hands, as it was the last song Damon had his piano book opened to. He had one lesson in it before his death. He told his parents he wanted to play it again, after giving it up in middle school. Going back now. At the service we heard friends and family speak. His first three four friends told us about his life. Thanking him for all he had given them. I cried, I was so happy to hear about how Damon had touched so many lives, how he had enriched so many lives. He taught us all so much, for me, he was one of my very first friends at tech, 7th period lunch, he had me join the drama club and start acting, he directed my first starring role play too, even though his father said it was second rate *snicker*. He remained my friend through all three years I knew him, and I thank him so much for being a part of my life. I like what his tutor Andre said, that he thanks God for letting us borrow Damon from Him for a little while. If you remember my last post I say how such a higher power that would take Damon from us was cruel. I have a new view, I thank whatever is up there, I thank it for lending Damon to me for our three years, I thank it for lending him to his parents, to his friends, to his coworkers. Damon was one of those rare sites, like a great bird. All you can do is look at it, because to capture it would take away from it, it would strip it of all its beauty. That was Damon, I am beyond thankfull that I got to look at him, but he had to be free, and he is now. Thank you Max and Zach. I was able to relate to what you two said. Damon was a lion, he was a leo. "Nature dealt him a hard hand, but he played it like a pro", forget which one of you two said it, I think Zach, but it is just too true. He did play it like a pro, nothing could bring him down. He knew he was different, he never asked for pity, he would play sports with us, despite his obvious handicaps. He would never be the be all see all, but he got the job done at his own pace and was proud, and so were we. We heard his family members speak. His father told us about Damon's life. How he and his wife made huge sacrifices in their lives, their carreers to take care of Damon and his odd condition. His parents are amazing creatures, they would give everything to make sure he could live a normal life. The pride the two shared. Damon knew he was going to die, but he didn't tell his friends, the same way Damon's father didn't tell his coworkers the condition of Damon, they didn't need pity from us. Damon never wanted pity. We were told stories of how he and his father fought mother nature herself, beating the incoming tide for one and a half hours building and forifying their sand castle against the waters. And the pride in the victory when they beat her. He told us how he overcame all odds doctors put against him. He lived a fuller life than most adults. He was a dedicated thespian, putting more into his work than most professionals. When Damon was on his deathbed, the doctors had given up on him, but his father had not. They said they would give him a sedative to make the pain go away. But his father sent them away. He wasn't able to kiss his son, knowing that he could risk his son's life with disease, as Damon was most vulnerable now. He spoke to Damon, told him to find it in himself to beat this, that they could go home together. I cried when I heard he wasn't able to kiss his son, but later found out that he did. But the point was, when Damon heard this, even though uncouncious willed himself, willed his frail body to raise his blood pressure to a stable level. Sadly it was only temporary, but Damon proved he was a fighter, he fought to the very end, proving the doctors wrong again. We heard about how Damon was always living life to its fullest, doing things most people havent done. He enjoyed his life I think. I like to think that we all made it all the better for him, the same way he did for us. Damon, I loved you, and I still do. We will miss having you with us. But we are happy that you can finally rest peacfully. We thankyou for all that you have given us. And we will remember you. You truly were the Worlds Greatest. The lyrics arent perfect, didn't spell check them. (The Worlds Greatest) I am a mountain. I am a tall tree. Oh I am a swift wind sweeping the country. I am river down in the valley. Oh I am a vision, I can see clearly. If any one asks you who I am just stand up tall look them in the face and say.. Iâm that star up in the sky Iâm that moutain peak up high. Hey you made it Iâm the worlds greatest*m Iâm that little bit of hope in my backs against the rope I can feel it, mm Iâm the worlds greatest. I am a giant. I am a egale. Oh I am a lion down in the jungle I am a marching band I am the people I am heavinâ head I am a hero If any one asks you who I am just stand up tall look them in the face and say.. Iâm that star up in the sky Iâm that moutain peak up high. Hey you made it Iâm the worlds greatest Iâm that little bit of hope in my backs against the rope I can feel it. Iâm the worlds greatest. Iâm that star up in the sky Iâm that moutain peak up high. Hey you made it Iâm the worlds greatest Iâm that little bit of hope in my backs against the rope I can feel it. Iâm the worlds greatest. Ohh Iâm that star up in the sky Iâm that moutain deep up high. Hey you made it Iâm the worlds greatest Iâm that little bit of hope in my backs against the rope I can feel it. Iâm the worlds greatest. Iâm that star up in the sky Iâm that moutain deep up high. Hey you made it Iâm the worlds greatest Iâm that little bit of hope in my backs against the rope I can feel it. Iâm the worlds greatest.

This will be my first post it seems, a bit depressing that it will be on a morbid topic? Eh, not really, its part of the healing I think. I wrote this originally to my friends in an email, its now taped up next to his memorial at school. I'll post the one from the day I went to his funeral after this one as well. My friend's name was Damon Weber. Hey all. I cannot believe that Damon is gone. It is not only a shock to me, but also an eye-opener, a supreme heartbreak, and a bit of a mirror. I seemed to be the only person who didn't cry upon hearing the grave news, I don't know why. I loved Damon, I wasn't one who was very close to him but he had a place in my heart nonetheless. I think it may be because I have not been exposed to death that much. I don't remember my grandfather dying, my granduncle's death did not effect me, the passing of my grandmother's two sisters did nothing to me, the passing of Sean Kimmerling, of Jason's sister, of the pope....nothing, maybe a tingle. I believe there is something truly wrong with me...can I even be considered a human? Eric, who knew Damon for about a day cried all night for him. I...I enjoyed my evening with my girlfriend Cyndi... To think of Damon's passing, it-it kind of opens my eyes to the fragility of life. We, for the most part, are the same age...to see one of us die seems to go against the realism I had seen in life. It seemed dreamlike, I think that is where I loose the grasp on death...it just doesn't seem real to me, how can a person just stop, no longer move, no longer talk and laugh and sing and act. But it isn't a dream, it is life, our short lives, but unfortunately, unfairly, Damon's had to be cut short, too short, to early, to ****ing early. It hurts now, despite his obvious physical disabilites and differences, he was respected and treated as any other one of us. He never asked to be treated with a handicap. The boy lived his life surgery after surgery, only to be cheated out of the rest of his years. The memories we have of him could have been so much grander, they should have been. I think of his parents now, and feel a pain so deep in my body I would tear out my flesh and organs to get rid of it. The suffering they must be going through, the devastation....they should not have to be put through this. The part that makes my blood boil with my own ****ing rage right now is that it wasn't man who caused Damon's end. It was nature, cruel, dark, cold and bitter nature. There is nobody to blame, nobody to hate, nobody to vent against. All there is now is pain, grief, tears, and emptiness. There is now a void in all of our hearts, a void that Damon had filled. I see now though the depth of death. Even if people die every five seconds around the world, from age, hunger, disease, hate or even mistake, means nothing to me, I did not know them, but I did know Damon, and now, I think of the pain I feel, the pain all of you feel, but most of all, the pain his family must feel, I think of all that pain, I think of all the families and friends worldwide feeling the same pain for their passed ones... I could go on to say that Damon is in a better place, that this is all part of some greater plan in some supreme beings little planner book, his palm pilot even. But I don't know if I wholeheartedly believe that right now, that there can be such a great place if it belongs to one who would rip a good, beautiful, kind and innocent soul like that of Damon's from the world. But...I can at least tell you that he is someplace, he is in the heart and mind of all of us, and he will never ****ing be torn from there. No god or mortal will be able to take the memory of him from any of us. We will miss him, we will cry when we think of how he will not be around to touch our lives, to enrich our lives, to be a ****ing part of our lives ever again....BUT! But we can smile, we can beam, we can even laugh, when we remember how he once was a huge part of all our lives. Damon, you will be missed. You will be remembered, but most of all, you will still be loved. See ya, Space Cowboy.